Thursday, November 29, 2012

What is it with people named Chelsea this year? Chelsea Hoffman battles for dumbest Chelsea of 2012

Just as the Shiitake Awards is getting ready for its annual offerings, we have one last entry. Enter Chelsea Hoffman. We already have a Chelsea Schilling (who is worth less than a Shilling) and now we have Chelsea Hoffman.

Normally I reserve this category for REAL journalists, and I use that term loosely, but I generally mean an established media outlet-- CBS for example-- and not internet-only so-called "independent media" life the Huffington Post, which has a lower standard of publishing than the average newspaper.

But for this clown, I'll make an exception. She's quite the egomaniac and shameless self-promoter. On her self-titled website, she says this about herself:

Crime analyst, profiler & aspiring criminologist Chelsea Hoffman offers her insight on a seemingly endless number of high profile crime cases as well as cold cases that the media has forgotten about... Life hasn’t always been one of packed schedules of juggling full time school with full time advocacy and blogging for victims of crime. Chelsea Hoffman has walked on both sides of right and wrong living as quite a “miracle” type of story.... To put it bluntly: Chelsea Hoffman has been inside the minds of various criminals and knows just what makes them tick. She has the hands-on-experience that many people don’t, who have only been exposed to these types of personalities through case files, police reports and written letters.

Is she implying she's an ex-con? Just curious. At any rate, Hoffman fancies herself a great crime writer.

I have to disagree. See one of her more recent articles on that great *cough*crap*cough* independent site known as Gawker:

Absconded sex offenders are always a cause for worry in cases like these because the mere act of failing to register shows a disregard for the law and lack of respect for the safety ordinances put in place specifically for criminals of their caliber. Of course, if they're failing to register, then chances are these individuals won't be too easy to find either.

While Elizabeth Collins and Lyric Cook remain missing, it's important to consider that anything could have happened to these two girls. It's easy to immediately suspect a registered sex offender for their disappearance. However, it's more statistically common for someone acquainted with the girls being responsible than a random RSO -- unless of course their acquaintance is an RSO. Whatever the source of their disappearance may be, it's hopeful that law enforcement and FBI agents figure out what happened and either bring these girls home or give the family the closure they need.

I took the liberty of underlying two of Hoffman's errors. Failure to Register cases are rarely about "disregarding the law," as a Levenson study has shown those who FTR are no more likely to recidivate than those who register. Plus Hoffman assumes the presence of an RSO in the family means the perp is an RSO, but studies have proven time and time again that by far, most sex crimes are done by those with no prior records.

Maybe Chelsea should consider another line of work. Writing is obviously not her forte. Neither is researching. See some of her wonderful reviews at for her novels, for example. Maybe she should get a Shiitake just for that:

23 of 25 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Seriously Lacking...December 1, 2011
This review is from: Ladykiller (Kindle Edition)
I originally saw this book being advertised on another website, where the author had written a news article. I was instantly excited because, I like these types of books and am always looking for a new author. What had me so greatly intrigued with this, is it's written from the killers perspective.

However this book sorely disappointed me. What promised to be graphic and not for the faint of heart. Left me laughing at the description. A mention of blood spray here, cracked skull there and a beating. But nothing major, nothing that gives the reader the creeps, nothing that will make this book memorable, and nothing that will keep me up at night.

The author made the book fast paced, but in the process left out a lot of details and made things painfully 'short'.. The dialogue, while trying to emphasize on the main characters education, or lack-there-of, made it an equally painful read. And lets not forget the poor editing skills. I found quite a few BASIC spelling errors, which again, took away from the story completely.

By the end of the book the dialogue was easier to read but it was still painfully short and lacking in detail.

Save your $$ on this one.
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18 of 21 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Negative stars should be an option...March 9, 2012
This review is from: Ladykiller (Kindle Edition)
This author has got to be self published there is no other explanation for how this book could get into circulation. This is train-wreck, about a third of the way through I decided to stop torturing myself and I suddenly found myself wishing it was in paperback so we could at least salvage it as toilet paper or line a bird cage with it. I would have happily purchased a bird to poop on the pages of this book. Clearly the positive review on this page are the authors friends or someone she is blackmailing.
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1.0 out of 5 stars Not a thrill for sureOctober 4, 2012
This review is from: Ladykiller (Kindle Edition)
I thought I would give this Author the benefit of the doubt and try another of her books. I read "The Stranger" last week. Not great. This one was a little better but I wouldn't recommend it as a great read to anyone. Self publishing is rough. A writer should NEVER think they can edit their own
stuff and have a great read, no matter how smart they think they are. No offense, just being honest.

16 of 18 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars At least put some effort in itOctober 24, 2011
This review is from: The Stranger (Fear Chronicles Presents) (Kindle Edition)
The writing is mediocre-to-bad. It reads like cliched fan fiction. It is stereotypical horror.

And the book itself -- it's like no effort was put into the formatting. There's not even a space break between chapters. The entire book is one sentence, followed by one half-sentence. Impossible to read with this formatting.

Just bad.
1.0 out of 5 stars The StrangerOctober 4, 2012
This review is from: The Stranger (Fear Chronicles Presents) (Kindle Edition)
I hated it! I read it through just because I love finding errors. Format was unorganized and writer was run on............and on....and....on........sorry ;-/
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  1. Chelsea Hoffman is a fraud. That is why her books are bad. She is not a crime analyst. She is a self promoting egotist, with no background in writing or crime, and no education other than having done a few online courses at an online college that accepts ANYONE who pays!

  2. Chelsea Hoffman's writing is full of basic grammar and syntax errors that most eight year olds would be aware of. Chelsea Hoffman is nothing other than a combination of ignorance and arrogance. She would be a complete joke, and someone that went completely unnoticed, if it wasn't for the fact that she writes such nasty, stupid things about things that really matter.

    It's very clear that Chelsea Hoffman has a low IQ, underdeveloped social skills, and a huge ego. Every time someone points out the obvious flaws in her articles, she attacks them, with statements such as 'thanks for the publicity! etc...

    She writes incredibly nasty things on the internet, and gives no attention at all to any of the details of her 'writing', and her sole purpose seems to be to get a reaction at any cost. It is very sad that the 'cost' has to be at the expense of the most vulnerable members of society. T

    There was a good reason in the past for not publishing the works of ignorant, unintelligent people who can't write. The downside of the internet is that it gives ignorance a voice.

    But no one with any real expertise will ever give Chelsea Hoffman any credence, because they will immediately see her badly written, bigoted, ignorant 'blogs' and self-published 'books', so she is really digging her own grave. She has aspirations far out of her league, but at this rate she will not even be considered as any kind of journalist, or 'crime profiler' at all.

    In some ways it is quite sad, as Chelsea Hoffman is from a tough background, and is falking out a lot of money on online university courses. Clearly, she has never had anyone in her life explain how the real world works, and what it takes to gain any kind of respect as a writer, or 'analyst'.

  3. Why does Chelsea Hoffman have to inflict the world with images of her face? Her writing is bad enough!

  4. To put it bluntly, Chelsea Hoffman does nothing more than take information that can be found on the internet already and reiterate the statements in what she calls her original journalism. The last time I checked in order to write a story one needed to develop a plot, in order to develop a plot one needs to have a working idea of how to set the scene while keeping the characters in line. Chelsea Hoffman shows her poor developing skills within not only her articles, but her novels as well. Chelsea Hoffman is one step away from being worse than Nancy Grace, she decides what she believes is the truth, and if you go against what she says than all of a sudden you lack intelligence, you lack education, and you lack knowledge of the justice system. However nowhere does Chelsea state that she has any real education behind her, nor does she state that she has any working experience within a police department, criminologist office, nor has she stated that she has any experience within the field other than sitting behind her computer, writing some news articles and putting forth her own flawed opinion. It is rather disgusting and she is a disgrace to the world of writing.